When
a woman or a person read as a woman discusses an experience of sexism, there’s
usually someone who responds with “How do you know that happened because you’re
a woman?” or “You’re just looking for things to complain about.”
To answer the first question, you don’t always know. And yes, there are times when somebody might jump at shadows or see misogyny where it isn’t. But when a person is that hyper-vigilant, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s often because they have had so many negative experiences, and been in danger so many times, that they begin to interpret it everywhere. And there are ways to tell if somebody is behaving a certain way toward you just because you’re a woman. If you know the person, you start to observe patterns. If they behave noticeably differently toward men in social situations, then it’s reasonable to decide that gender is a factor. If it’s a stranger, and they are hitting on you in a very vulgar and aggressive manner, you can be ninety percent certain they would never talk to a man in the same way. For one thing, it would likely be dangerous. For another, they’re probably not attracted to men (although making vulgar gestures and graphic comments to someone is aggressive, not romantic). If they tell you to smile, and you respond by telling them the same, they usually get surprised and offended. You’re female! How dare you have the audacity to tell *them* to do anything? If they’re upset by receiving the same suggestion they gave you, delivered in the same tone, then it wasn’t made benevolently.
There’s a lot of talk about “Feminists are offended by everything. You can’t even open a door for a woman without her thinking it’s sexist.” That is largely a caricature. I’ve seen and received a lot of door-openings over the years, and never once have I witnessed a woman getting angry at a man for opening a door for her. I’m a feminist and having a man open a door for me has never angered me. I’ll tell you what I have experienced, though: There are times when I’ve returned the favor by opening the next door for a man—because I think everyone should open doors for others as a basic courtesy—and he has rolled his eyes, or sucked his teeth, or explicitly said, “I’m a big boy. I can get it myself.” This shows that while many men may open doors just to be polite, there are some who see it as demeaning. This relates back to telling women to smile: If somebody is upset by receiving the same behavior they exhibit toward others, then there is another motive. Also, the man who called me a “bitch” last month because I didn’t notice him trying to open the door for me went on to say he was opening the door because I’m “sexy.” If he didn’t see me as attractive, he wouldn’t have bothered. So yes, I can deduce that was because I’m a woman—specifically one he was trying to have sex with.
Believe me, I’m not looking for things to complain about. For one, I don’t have to bother searching. For another, if I deliberately sought out things to get offended over, I would be exhausted. If I spent all day furious about and terrified of being harassed, I would never be able to leave home. I try not to profile based on gender. I try not to make assumptions. But time and time again, when I pass a knot of young men out in public, I’m disappointed by obscene gestures and X-rated commentary about my body.
I don’t want to have to be wary, but experience has made me that way. It’s not just disappointing or offensive, it can also be scary. Sometimes there is an overt rape threat involved. If anybody wants to respond with “don’t flatter yourself,” then congratulations: You just demonstrated that you think sexual assault is flattering. But please, go on about how rape culture is all a paranoid myth.
To answer the first question, you don’t always know. And yes, there are times when somebody might jump at shadows or see misogyny where it isn’t. But when a person is that hyper-vigilant, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s often because they have had so many negative experiences, and been in danger so many times, that they begin to interpret it everywhere. And there are ways to tell if somebody is behaving a certain way toward you just because you’re a woman. If you know the person, you start to observe patterns. If they behave noticeably differently toward men in social situations, then it’s reasonable to decide that gender is a factor. If it’s a stranger, and they are hitting on you in a very vulgar and aggressive manner, you can be ninety percent certain they would never talk to a man in the same way. For one thing, it would likely be dangerous. For another, they’re probably not attracted to men (although making vulgar gestures and graphic comments to someone is aggressive, not romantic). If they tell you to smile, and you respond by telling them the same, they usually get surprised and offended. You’re female! How dare you have the audacity to tell *them* to do anything? If they’re upset by receiving the same suggestion they gave you, delivered in the same tone, then it wasn’t made benevolently.
There’s a lot of talk about “Feminists are offended by everything. You can’t even open a door for a woman without her thinking it’s sexist.” That is largely a caricature. I’ve seen and received a lot of door-openings over the years, and never once have I witnessed a woman getting angry at a man for opening a door for her. I’m a feminist and having a man open a door for me has never angered me. I’ll tell you what I have experienced, though: There are times when I’ve returned the favor by opening the next door for a man—because I think everyone should open doors for others as a basic courtesy—and he has rolled his eyes, or sucked his teeth, or explicitly said, “I’m a big boy. I can get it myself.” This shows that while many men may open doors just to be polite, there are some who see it as demeaning. This relates back to telling women to smile: If somebody is upset by receiving the same behavior they exhibit toward others, then there is another motive. Also, the man who called me a “bitch” last month because I didn’t notice him trying to open the door for me went on to say he was opening the door because I’m “sexy.” If he didn’t see me as attractive, he wouldn’t have bothered. So yes, I can deduce that was because I’m a woman—specifically one he was trying to have sex with.
Believe me, I’m not looking for things to complain about. For one, I don’t have to bother searching. For another, if I deliberately sought out things to get offended over, I would be exhausted. If I spent all day furious about and terrified of being harassed, I would never be able to leave home. I try not to profile based on gender. I try not to make assumptions. But time and time again, when I pass a knot of young men out in public, I’m disappointed by obscene gestures and X-rated commentary about my body.
I don’t want to have to be wary, but experience has made me that way. It’s not just disappointing or offensive, it can also be scary. Sometimes there is an overt rape threat involved. If anybody wants to respond with “don’t flatter yourself,” then congratulations: You just demonstrated that you think sexual assault is flattering. But please, go on about how rape culture is all a paranoid myth.
