How I Know

When a woman or a person read as a woman discusses an experience of sexism, there’s usually someone who responds with “How do you know that happened because you’re a woman?” or “You’re just looking for things to complain about.”

To answer the first question, you don’t always know. And yes, there are times when somebody might jump at shadows or see misogyny where it isn’t. But when a person is that hyper-vigilant, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s often because they have had so many negative experiences, and been in danger so many times, that they begin to interpret it everywhere. And there are ways to tell if somebody is behaving a certain way toward you just because you’re a woman. If you know the person, you start to observe patterns. If they behave noticeably differently toward men in social situations, then it’s reasonable to decide that gender is a factor. If it’s a stranger, and they are hitting on you in a very vulgar and aggressive manner, you can be ninety percent certain they would never talk to a man in the same way. For one thing, it would likely be dangerous. For another, they’re probably not attracted to men (although making vulgar gestures and graphic comments to someone is aggressive, not romantic). If they tell you to smile, and you respond by telling them the same, they usually get surprised and offended. You’re female! How dare you have the audacity to tell *them* to do anything? If they’re upset by receiving the same suggestion they gave you, delivered in the same tone, then it wasn’t made benevolently.

There’s a lot of talk about “Feminists are offended by everything. You can’t even open a door for a woman without her thinking it’s sexist.” That is largely a caricature. I’ve seen and received a lot of door-openings over the years, and never once have I witnessed a woman getting angry at a man for opening a door for her. I’m a feminist and having a man open a door for me has never angered me. I’ll tell you what I have experienced, though: There are times when I’ve returned the favor by opening the next door for a man—because I think everyone should open doors for others as a basic courtesy—and he has rolled his eyes, or sucked his teeth, or explicitly said, “I’m a big boy. I can get it myself.” This shows that while many men may open doors just to be polite, there are some who see it as demeaning. This relates back to telling women to smile: If somebody is upset by receiving the same behavior they exhibit toward others, then there is another motive. Also, the man who called me a “bitch” last month because I didn’t notice him trying to open the door for me went on to say he was opening the door because I’m “sexy.” If he didn’t see me as attractive, he wouldn’t have bothered. So yes, I can deduce that was because I’m a woman—specifically one he was trying to have sex with.

Believe me, I’m not looking for things to complain about. For one, I don’t have to bother searching. For another, if I deliberately sought out things to get offended over, I would be exhausted. If I spent all day furious about and terrified of being harassed, I would never be able to leave home. I try not to profile based on gender. I try not to make assumptions. But time and time again, when I pass a knot of young men out in public, I’m disappointed by obscene gestures and X-rated commentary about my body.

I don’t want to have to be wary, but experience has made me that way. It’s not just disappointing or offensive, it can also be scary. Sometimes there is an overt rape threat involved. If anybody wants to respond with “don’t flatter yourself,” then congratulations: You just demonstrated that you think sexual assault is flattering. But please, go on about how rape culture is all a paranoid myth.

The overlap of abuse

 (Warning for discussion of domestic abuse)
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You often hear it said that someone can be a bad parent while remaining a good spouse, or vice versa. I think this really depends on the nature and degree of "bad." There are parents incapable of divided attention who dote on each other so much that they emotionally neglect their children. There are also parents who are aloof or unfaithful romantic partners but are incredibly dedicated to their kids. If abuse is involved, though, there is no possible way for a person to be adept at one role while failing the other. Abusing their partner's child is abusive to their partner by proxy, as is abusing their partner even if they don't extend the behavior to the kid. It shows the parent or child a complete disregard for the safety of someone so important to them (assuming that both parents aren't mistreating the child together). There's also an implicit threat of "you could be next"--even if it's never acted upon.

Beck vision

I don't know how Beck does it with his lyrics, but he always manages to make a bad trip sound good. I listen to him and think, "I don't want to see what you're seeing right now, but I *do* want to hear about it. I find your ideas fascinating and wish to subscribe to your newsletter."

On a side note, I wish there was technology to allow us to watch other peoples' acid/mushroom trips and see whatever they're seeing, but without experiencing it firsthand. Like Youtube, except it would be TripTube.

Honey, I Shrunk the Trump

In a group chat, friends were discussing "Honey I Shrunk the Kids", which led to a discussion of which celebrities we'd like to shrink to an inch tall.

I want it to be the entire panel of presidential candidates, just so we can hear them all debate each other in tiny squeaky voices.

Ivy

A while back, I wondered if ivy is so appropriate for Ivy League schools because the plant itself is always ascending. I've also noticed other similarities between the plant and the students. It networks, intertwining with the other vines. Onlookers tend to immediately think of the ivy before thinking of the institution (at least in a physical sense). Some of it forgets it has roots in the ground and is held up by a foundation; that it didn't rise so far only by itself. Other vines remember and lift more of them up.

Facebook: The Musical

Sometimes when I see a flame war in a comment thread, I imagine the participants dramatically singing their comments at each other--typos and all--in an epic called "Facebook: The Musical." (And yes, I also think this about arguments I've been involved in.)

On bashing vs. awareness

There’s a popular post being circulated on social media which says, “You don’t need to bash skinny people to say that bigger people are beautiful. You don’t need to bash men to promote women’s rights. You don’t need to bash white people to promote racial equality. You don’t need to bash a certain genre of music to promote another. You don’t need to bash straight people to promote gay rights. You don’t need to bash anyone to promote your opinion.”

At face value, I agree with this statement. But the topic is a lot more complex than something that can be distilled down to a meme-ified soundbite.

Yes, it’s true that one doesn’t need to “bash” mainstream, privileged groups in order to empower marginalized ones. But at the same time, there are people from all those groups who will interpret any kind of empowerment campaign as a personal attack. There are white people who see pro-black statements as inherently anti-white. There are men who see feminist statements as inherently anti-male. The irony is that they are the ones conflating whiteness with racism and misogyny with maleness. Many of the more defensive members of the aforementioned groups will feel “bashed” when somebody points out that they don’t face many of the same problems as those who are more discriminated against, even though that statement in itself is not an attack. So they may think that any promotion of plus-sized people, women, non-white folks, and the LGBT community is “bashing” those who don’t belong to such categories, but their opinions should not dictate the way we express ourselves.

This isn’t to say “Bash all you want because somebody will be offended no matter what you say.” It’s obviously not wise, productive, or safe to vent about more advantaged groups in every single setting or social situation. Marginalized people are well aware of this. But I do think it can be helpful to have spaces where venting is allowed, which is not always the same as “bashing.” And even if bashing does occur, it doesn’t have the same widespread consequences as a privileged person bashing someone who is oppressed, because it’s not backed up by a long history of systemic discrimination.

“You don’t have to bash X to promote Y” could just as easily be expressed in the opposite form, with people saying, “Why can’t we have straight pride?? Pro-straight isn’t anti-gay!” But that is to completely ignore social context. That dismisses the fact that “straight pride” and its neighbors of “white pride”, “cis pride”, etc. have always been about being proud of not being gay, non-white, or transgender. Those types of pride are about reinforcing supremacy, not celebrating survival in the face of adversity.

Also, to promote women’s rights tends to mean criticizing misogyny and to promote racial minorities’ rights is to criticize racism. It doesn’t always necessitate the criticism of individuals, but those who embody that kind of bigotry will take it personally when it is called out.