Passivity vs. Kindness

         Alongside the avenue of "women only date jerks," there's a common complaint that "She said she's not into him because he's 'too nice.'" I have heard people describe others as "too nice," although I've never heard a woman say she was disinterested in a man for that reason. Because it's such a commonly quoted basis for rejection, though, it's worth examining.

        Every time I have ever heard anybody described as "too nice," the person making the criticism was not saying the other was overly good-hearted, too considerate, or had too much integrity. An excess of those traits is impossible. What they were expressing was that the person was overly passive. And, while many use the word "nice" when they really mean "passive," saying someone is too passive is not just another way of saying "nice." While the traits can overlap, there is a distinction between kindness and passivity. And, for that reason, "Don't be too passive" doesn't mean "Be an asshole." It's not a spectrum; it's a whole different thing.

        "Too nice" is meant to convey that someone echoes everything you say without ever voicing a differing point of view, even when they disagree. It means they constantly apologize for things that are not their fault and they don't speak up for themselves or for others who are being mistreated, out of fear of confrontation. It means they might welcome harmful people into their own lives, or into the lives of those close to them, because they think it's "mean" to establish boundaries—which can end up causing others' boundaries to be violated as well. It means they follow another person around without seeming to have any interests, beliefs, or passions of their own. Being bland, overly meek, or clingy isn't the same as being "nice." Sometimes those qualities are actually motivated by self-interest, rather than a pure desire to please others.

         It's similar to the way that self-abasement is sometimes a defense mechanism, rather than a lack of ego (and a complete absence of ego is not something I would recommend trying to achieve, anyway). If you castigate yourself first, it can insulate you from being criticized by others. If you preemptively decide you're going to fail, it can exempt you from having to try. This is not true for everyone who has low self-esteem, but I have seen self-chastisement used defensively many times, and have caught myself doing it for those same reasons.

         You can be a good person who also happens to be passive, but passivity doesn't equate to goodness. And most people who call someone "too nice" are referring to the former quality, not the latter. Additionally, I've noticed that excessive passivity tends to be discouraged in men but praised in women, when every person should be encouraged to stand up for themselves and to have their own identity.

How NOT to respond to kidnapping and street harassment

Last week, two men tried to abduct me in their cars on my way to work. I take public transportation and have to walk a portion of the way, so that unfortunately allows a window of opportunity for predatory people to follow me. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but it was the first time I've been subjected to it on two separate occasions within the span of an hour. When it's come up in conversation, both now and in the past, responses have been overwhelmingly supportive. But once in a while, someone will say something that is completely off the mark or even harmful. So if you want to be helpful when a woman tells you that a man tried to abduct her in his car, please avoid saying any of these five things:

-"You mean he was just trying to pick you up, right?" No, I meant "abduction", not "being picked up." I know the difference, as do most people who use that word. Please don't try to correct someone who says that. Both of the guys followed me in their cars, drove alongside me and became very insistent about me getting in. I gripped my pepper spray and ran like hell. That's not a "pickup attempt." They would not respect my refusal. I have no doubt it would have become a physical altercation if they'd been able to come closer.

-"What were you wearing?" Not that this is in any way relevant to the topic, but I was wearing my work clothes. Specifically a puffy winter coat, khakis, and sneakers. Some people (including women!) are consistently shocked to hear that abductions are attempted when the prospective target is not, in fact, walking down the sidewalk clad in lingerie--although that wouldn't justify an abduction, either. I think people ask this question for one of two reasons: either to try to find some way it was your fault, and therefore something that can be avoided/controlled, or as a way to reassure themselves that it could never happen to them. Both those reasons are based on false assumptions, and neither are helpful.

-"It's because you're cute." I appreciate the vote of confidence, but this sounds like a way of trying to construe an abduction attempt as a compliment. It also may discourage some women from speaking up about their experiences in case it's interpreted as bragging. (Also, if it's seen as a response to one's appearance, then women who are often judged as unattractive may not speak up out of fear of being disbelieved.) Believe me, I didn't come out of this with a bolstered ego. I came out of it with my anxiety levels through the roof. My heart didn't stop pounding for the next hour.

-"Were they [black/Puerto Rican/any race other than white]?" This is possibly the worst one. Thankfully I haven't heard this in a while, but it is a question I've been asked in the past. Just for everyone's knowledge, a person of any race can be a predator. I've been followed by men of pretty much every ethnicity. But using someone's experience as a way to attack non-white people, rather than acknowledging it's something that's steeped in rape culture and can be carried out by any race, is extremely damaging. It seems to be another way to maintain a false sense of control over the situation, but this time with a heavy dose of racism mixed in.

-"Then how are we supposed to meet women if we can't pick them up?" or "What if he was just trying to offer you a ride? Maybe he was trying to be helpful." THIS IS NOT ABOUT "PICKING UP WOMEN" OR "BEING HELPFUL." THIS IS ABOUT KIDNAPPING. If someone does not see the difference between attempting to "pick someone up" and attempting to force them into their car, and if they don't understand why offering a ride to a stranger and then refusing to accept "no" for an answer is terrifying, then I have no idea where to even start. A lot of these same people are ones who would then blame a woman if she did give the guy the benefit of the doubt and was harmed. Also, if someone is sharing a traumatic experience, it is not at all considerate or appropriate to seize on that as an opportunity to ask them for dating advice. Seriously, what the fresh hell is that?

If you want to be supportive, the best option is just to listen and say something like, "That's awful" or "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" Fortunately, I have heard that response from many people. If you're somebody who would say that, then thank you.

For future protection I have pepper spray, an ear-splitting whistle, and I'm going to get bear mace if it's legal. Also learning to run faster. I might as well just walk around with a giant can of Raid and a sign saying, "You are a pest and I will control you!"

I guess that's about it for now. Rant off.

The fallacy of "sexist men only hate women because they can't get one"

A lot of people will say that misogynistic men are only hateful toward women because they can't "get" one, but I think that is largely inaccurate. While it's true that there are some men who can't seem to attract women and become very embittered and angry at the overall female gender in response, there are just as many guys who are romantically unlucky but are not at all resentful toward women. And, on the flip side, plenty of misogynistic men do date and have sex with women, but still have contempt for the female gender and deride all the women they sleep with as "whores." (In response to the latter sentiment, I will refer to this old adage: "If you think a woman is dirtier after you've touched her, maybe you should take a look at your own hands.") The fact that there are sexist men who are romantically successful doesn't mean that "women only go for jerks." It means a lot of those guys are probably skillful at hiding their attitudes for a while, or they might tell a woman that she's "not like other girls"--which could sound like a compliment at the surface, but is really an insult directed at women altogether. Additionally, there are also gay and asexual men who hold misogynistic beliefs. Their sexism is not due to an inability to attract women, as that wouldn't bother them for obvious reasons. And when people claim that misogynists only devalue women because they can't get a girlfriend or hook up with anyone, that is a way of blaming women for misogyny. Whether or not it's intended as blame, that's how it comes across. It's a way of saying that anti-female attitudes wouldn't exist if we'd just give in and date/marry/have sex with the people who hate us--which is a terrible expectation on more levels than I can even begin to describe.