Self-sabotaging sexism

Warning: brief mention of sexual assault and harassment

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Whenever I come across a site or blog overrun by misogynistic rants, its strikes me just how insulting that perspective is toward men, and how misogynists lack the self-awareness to recognize it.

For example, there are those who claim that men and women are fundamentally, diametrically opposite and that those differences are purely a result of biology rather than social conditioning. They use this to rationalize professional discrimination against women, saying that women are simply unfit for leadership roles or jobs in science and math because of biology. They say that women tend to avoid those fields by choice and that it’s perfectly reasonable to hire more men for those positions because women are less suited for them. They dismiss the influence of social conditioning and the discouragement and harassment that so many women receive when entering those fields, shrugging it off with a flippant “that’s life” and “get used to it”. However, they would never be so dismissive about a man who was facing discrimination. They complain about men not doing as well academically or having more trouble with subjects like English, yet they never blame that on the same gender stereotypes that also affect women. They’re oblivious to the fact that it comes from the same source.

If you believe that women are naturally more inclined toward language and writing, as so many gender essentialists claim, then it would make sense for women to rise above men in those fields. But: 1) male authors are still more widely represented in academia and literature, so there is no phenomenon of men being silenced in those areas, and 2) sexists only want to tout gender essentialism when it can be used to justify anti-female bias and institutional discrimination against women. They only decry that same belief system when it disadvantages men. They point to programs that are specifically arranged to create more opportunities for women and call it preferential treatment, but those programs exist to counteract the effects of discrimination. They would otherwise be unnecessary. Programs geared specifically toward helping men get ahead in STEM fields don’t exist for the same reason that there is no financial aid for wealthy students.

Misogynists also say that men are better suited for high-risk fields and that women should be excluded from them, yet complain that more men are killed or injured at work and say the male sex is seen as “disposable” because of these jobs. If you believe these jobs are only appropriate for men, then you are the one who sees men as disposable.

Sexists say that the types of jobs which are most heavily populated by men are the more important ones, and that’s why men tend to get paid more. But they fail to see that those jobs are only deemed “more important” because they are associated with men.

There are myriad ways in which misogynists negatively stereotype men in other areas of life as well. Sexual assault is a glaring example. I’ve heard so many “Men’s Rights Activists” and other anti-feminists excuse rape and sexual harassment by calling it “male sexuality.” They use it as an umbrella term, rather than acknowledging that there is no singular form of male sexuality. (What about men who are sexually submissive? What about men who value consent? What about non-hetero men? Trans men? In the eyes of misogynists, they are not “real” men and don’t count.)

Misogynists are fond of saying that feminists and the legal system “criminalize male sexuality,” but they are the ones conflating male sexuality with sexual assault. They’re the ones saying that “real men” yell obscene comments to women on the street, grope their female coworkers, drug and rape women at parties, and try to solicit sex from fourteen-year-old girls. They are the ones defining that as manhood, just as they accuse feminists of doing (and, for the record, I have never heard a feminist say that all or most men commit these acts). The difference is that misogynists laud, or at least excuse, that type of behavior. Misogynists constantly accuse rape survivors of lying about their assaults, but they don’t see that this victim blaming also does enormous harm to male sexual assault survivors—despite the fact that they frequently (and accurately) point out that men are raped, too. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to want to discuss male rape as an issue in itself. They only want to bring it up when it can be used to talk over women who have been assaulted.

Those are just a few ways in which I've noticed that anti-woman beliefs are self-sabotaging, but there are so many more. Misogyny is an endless feedback loop of wanting to have their cake and eat it too, but then poisoning their own cake and blaming women for allowing a man to bake for himself.

How NOT to respond to kidnapping and street harassment

Last week, two men tried to abduct me in their cars on my way to work. I take public transportation and have to walk a portion of the way, so that unfortunately allows a window of opportunity for predatory people to follow me. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but it was the first time I've been subjected to it on two separate occasions within the span of an hour. When it's come up in conversation, both now and in the past, responses have been overwhelmingly supportive. But once in a while, someone will say something that is completely off the mark or even harmful. So if you want to be helpful when a woman tells you that a man tried to abduct her in his car, please avoid saying any of these five things:

-"You mean he was just trying to pick you up, right?" No, I meant "abduction", not "being picked up." I know the difference, as do most people who use that word. Please don't try to correct someone who says that. Both of the guys followed me in their cars, drove alongside me and became very insistent about me getting in. I gripped my pepper spray and ran like hell. That's not a "pickup attempt." They would not respect my refusal. I have no doubt it would have become a physical altercation if they'd been able to come closer.

-"What were you wearing?" Not that this is in any way relevant to the topic, but I was wearing my work clothes. Specifically a puffy winter coat, khakis, and sneakers. Some people (including women!) are consistently shocked to hear that abductions are attempted when the prospective target is not, in fact, walking down the sidewalk clad in lingerie--although that wouldn't justify an abduction, either. I think people ask this question for one of two reasons: either to try to find some way it was your fault, and therefore something that can be avoided/controlled, or as a way to reassure themselves that it could never happen to them. Both those reasons are based on false assumptions, and neither are helpful.

-"It's because you're cute." I appreciate the vote of confidence, but this sounds like a way of trying to construe an abduction attempt as a compliment. It also may discourage some women from speaking up about their experiences in case it's interpreted as bragging. (Also, if it's seen as a response to one's appearance, then women who are often judged as unattractive may not speak up out of fear of being disbelieved.) Believe me, I didn't come out of this with a bolstered ego. I came out of it with my anxiety levels through the roof. My heart didn't stop pounding for the next hour.

-"Were they [black/Puerto Rican/any race other than white]?" This is possibly the worst one. Thankfully I haven't heard this in a while, but it is a question I've been asked in the past. Just for everyone's knowledge, a person of any race can be a predator. I've been followed by men of pretty much every ethnicity. But using someone's experience as a way to attack non-white people, rather than acknowledging it's something that's steeped in rape culture and can be carried out by any race, is extremely damaging. It seems to be another way to maintain a false sense of control over the situation, but this time with a heavy dose of racism mixed in.

-"Then how are we supposed to meet women if we can't pick them up?" or "What if he was just trying to offer you a ride? Maybe he was trying to be helpful." THIS IS NOT ABOUT "PICKING UP WOMEN" OR "BEING HELPFUL." THIS IS ABOUT KIDNAPPING. If someone does not see the difference between attempting to "pick someone up" and attempting to force them into their car, and if they don't understand why offering a ride to a stranger and then refusing to accept "no" for an answer is terrifying, then I have no idea where to even start. A lot of these same people are ones who would then blame a woman if she did give the guy the benefit of the doubt and was harmed. Also, if someone is sharing a traumatic experience, it is not at all considerate or appropriate to seize on that as an opportunity to ask them for dating advice. Seriously, what the fresh hell is that?

If you want to be supportive, the best option is just to listen and say something like, "That's awful" or "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" Fortunately, I have heard that response from many people. If you're somebody who would say that, then thank you.

For future protection I have pepper spray, an ear-splitting whistle, and I'm going to get bear mace if it's legal. Also learning to run faster. I might as well just walk around with a giant can of Raid and a sign saying, "You are a pest and I will control you!"

I guess that's about it for now. Rant off.