Alongside the avenue of "women only date
jerks," there's a common complaint that "She said she's not into him
because he's 'too nice.'" I have heard people describe others as "too
nice," although I've never heard a woman say she was disinterested in a
man for that reason. Because it's such a commonly quoted basis for rejection,
though, it's worth examining.
Every time I have ever heard
anybody described as "too nice," the person making the criticism was
not saying the other was overly good-hearted, too
considerate, or had too much integrity. An excess of those traits is
impossible. What they were expressing was that the person was overly passive. And, while many use the word
"nice" when they really mean "passive," saying someone is
too passive is not just another way of saying "nice." While the
traits can overlap, there is a distinction between kindness and passivity. And,
for that reason, "Don't be too passive" doesn't mean "Be an
asshole." It's not a spectrum; it's a whole different thing.
"Too nice" is meant to convey that
someone echoes everything you say without ever voicing a differing point of
view, even when they disagree. It means they constantly apologize for things
that are not their fault and they don't speak up for themselves or for others
who are being mistreated, out of fear of confrontation. It means they might
welcome harmful people into their own lives, or into the lives of those close
to them, because they think it's "mean" to establish boundaries—which
can end up causing others' boundaries to be violated as well. It means they
follow another person around without seeming to have any interests, beliefs, or
passions of their own. Being bland, overly meek, or clingy isn't the same as
being "nice." Sometimes those qualities are actually motivated by
self-interest, rather than a pure desire to please others.
It's similar to the way that
self-abasement is sometimes a defense mechanism, rather than a lack of ego (and
a complete absence of ego is not something I would recommend trying to achieve,
anyway). If you castigate yourself first, it can insulate you from being
criticized by others. If you preemptively decide you're going to fail, it can
exempt you from having to try. This is not true for everyone who has low self-esteem,
but I have seen self-chastisement used defensively many times, and have caught
myself doing it for those same reasons.
You can be a good person who
also happens to be passive, but passivity doesn't equate to goodness. And most
people who call someone "too nice" are referring to the former
quality, not the latter. Additionally, I've noticed that excessive passivity
tends to be discouraged in men but praised in women, when every person should
be encouraged to stand up for themselves and to have their own identity.
