This is an open
letter to anti-LGBT+ family members—because there’s more than one of you, and
because, even if you might not believe it when we disagree, I do love you. Please
bear with me.
Because we share
genetics and grew up doing holidays together, I know where you come from. I
know the particular brand of theology you’re expressing is what you’d been
raised with from day one. I know your parents only ever wanted what was best for
you, and they are good people. And I know you don’t want to be hateful. It
hurts and offends you when others think you’re being cruel for opposing
same-sex marriage, when you feel you’re just standing up for “what God says.”
You also believe you’re being persecuted for this opinion, and are immersed in a
religious culture which tells you that is true. I can’t personally relate to
this, as I was not raised within evangelical Christianity. I do understand
where you’re coming from, though. It can’t be an easy place to be.
But, in love and
in sincerity, I’m asking you to please consider something: That it would be
incredibly painful to be a gay or bi or transgender person living within that
environment. Even if nobody from your church or your specific religious
community is openly “out,” there very likely are LGBT people within your
community who know this truth about who they are and hate themselves for it.
And, without any assumptions or accusations on my part, please let me ask you
some rhetorical questions.
Are you helping them
to feel loved, regardless of your beliefs about their identity, or are you encouraging self-hate?
Are you telling
them God loves them, but only if they change a huge aspect of who they are and
have always been? If so, how can it be called a “free gift” if there are so
many strings attached? It can’t be a demonstration of parental love if it’s so
conditional. (Not that all parents love unconditionally, but the general
Christian understanding is that God loves in the way that an ideal and perfect
parent would.)
What are you
trying to accomplish by posting anti-LGBT quotes and memes? Are you directing
them at LGBT people, or at peers within your religious community who agree with
you? Are they directed at people outside your group who disagree—and if so,
are you using those posts to try to persuade them?
If you are
addressing those things to other Christians, what’s your reason for doing so?
Maybe you’re trying to prove your place within their circle, to show that you
belong. If that’s the case, why is it necessary? Would true friends litmus test you?
If you’re trying
to reach LGBT people, please understand that telling us we’re going to hell and
deserve to be murdered is not love. I am, and have always been, a bisexual
person. This doesn’t mean I’m in multiple relationships or want to be. I also never
chose this. It’s something I’ve known since first grade, since before I knew it
was even possible to like both men and women or had any word to name it. If you
have questions about this, I’m willing to talk about it. But if you're only interested in telling me how wrong I am for being bi, then the conversation won't lead us anywhere helpful.
If you say gay people
are damned or unloved by what you believe to be the ultimate and
all-powerful source of love, that does affect me personally. It’s extremely
hurtful. In a similar way, you feel personally affected and hurt when others
say the same things about your specific branch of Christianity. But please
understand that nobody is telling you that your
relationships should be illegal, and nobody is forcing you to perform or enter
into same-sex marriages. Many people within evangelical Christian culture do seem
to want to force LGBT people into heterosexual relationships, though, or force
them into the religion via law. It’s not all Christians. But there
are a disconcerting amount who want everyone in the US to be legally forced to
follow biblical mandates and for our government to be a theocracy. If that were
the case, it would completely negate free will. It would also allow even more
massive leeway for government corruption; for a leader to do anything they
pleased and be unquestioned if they claimed that “God told them to do it.”
Nobody is telling you that you cannot be Christian—and there are different ways
of being Christian, not just conservative/evangelical. In turn, please don’t
tell people they cannot be anything but heterosexual and cisgender (non-trans).
One thing I
understand about conservative Christianity is that conscience and a sense of
obedience often pull in opposite directions. You may not want to harm LGBT
people, but feel that your religion is telling you to. You may be caught
in deep and painful conflict for that reason. If this is the case, please
understand that any deity worthy of being called “love” would never, ever
demand that you choose between duty and compassion. If you have compassion,
it’s there for a reason. Please don’t stifle its voice. Also, hate is more than
a feeling. It’s an action. A person can have all the caring and empathetic
feelings in the world for someone else, but if their actions do the other
person harm, it’s not love. Love is what we do, not just what we feel. The
same is true for hatred.
If you’ve gotten
this far and are still reading, thank you. I’m grateful for your time and
consideration. Yes, we’re still family and we’re still friends. But before you
repost another quote or video or meme about something you may not fully understand, I
ask that you please take a moment to reflect on these thoughts. You’re under no
obligation to answer my questions, but please don’t be afraid to ask them to
yourself.
Thank you for
hearing this out.
