Last week, two men tried to abduct me in their cars on my way to work. I take public transportation and have to walk a portion of the way, so that unfortunately allows a window of opportunity for predatory people to follow me. It wasn't the first time this has happened, but it was the first time I've been subjected to it on two separate occasions within the span of an hour. When it's come up in conversation, both now and in the past, responses have been overwhelmingly supportive. But once in a while, someone will say something that is completely off the mark or even harmful. So if you want to be helpful when a woman tells you that a man tried to abduct her in his car, please avoid saying any of these five things:
-"You mean he was just trying to pick you up, right?" No, I meant "abduction", not "being picked up." I know the difference, as do most people who use that word. Please don't try to correct someone who says that. Both of the guys followed me in their cars, drove alongside me and became very insistent about me getting in. I gripped my pepper spray and ran like hell. That's not a "pickup attempt." They would not respect my refusal. I have no doubt it would have become a physical altercation if they'd been able to come closer.
-"What were you wearing?" Not that this is in any way relevant to the topic, but I was wearing my work clothes. Specifically a puffy winter coat, khakis, and sneakers. Some people (including women!) are consistently shocked to hear that abductions are attempted when the prospective target is not, in fact, walking down the sidewalk clad in lingerie--although that wouldn't justify an abduction, either. I think people ask this question for one of two reasons: either to try to find some way it was your fault, and therefore something that can be avoided/controlled, or as a way to reassure themselves that it could never happen to them. Both those reasons are based on false assumptions, and neither are helpful.
-"It's because you're cute." I appreciate the vote of confidence, but this sounds like a way of trying to construe an abduction attempt as a compliment. It also may discourage some women from speaking up about their experiences in case it's interpreted as bragging. (Also, if it's seen as a response to one's appearance, then women who are often judged as unattractive may not speak up out of fear of being disbelieved.) Believe me, I didn't come out of this with a bolstered ego. I came out of it with my anxiety levels through the roof. My heart didn't stop pounding for the next hour.
-"Were they [black/Puerto Rican/any race other than white]?" This is possibly the worst one. Thankfully I haven't heard this in a while, but it is a question I've been asked in the past. Just for everyone's knowledge, a person of any race can be a predator. I've been followed by men of pretty much every ethnicity. But using someone's experience as a way to attack non-white people, rather than acknowledging it's something that's steeped in rape culture and can be carried out by any race, is extremely damaging. It seems to be another way to maintain a false sense of control over the situation, but this time with a heavy dose of racism mixed in.
-"Then how are we supposed to meet women if we can't pick them up?" or "What if he was just trying to offer you a ride? Maybe he was trying to be helpful." THIS IS NOT ABOUT "PICKING UP WOMEN" OR "BEING HELPFUL." THIS IS ABOUT KIDNAPPING. If someone does not see the difference between attempting to "pick someone up" and attempting to force them into their car, and if they don't understand why offering a ride to a stranger and then refusing to accept "no" for an answer is terrifying, then I have no idea where to even start. A lot of these same people are ones who would then blame a woman if she did give the guy the benefit of the doubt and was harmed. Also, if someone is sharing a traumatic experience, it is not at all considerate or appropriate to seize on that as an opportunity to ask them for dating advice. Seriously, what the fresh hell is that?
If you want to be supportive, the best option is just to listen and say something like, "That's awful" or "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" Fortunately, I have heard that response from many people. If you're somebody who would say that, then thank you.
For future protection I have pepper spray, an ear-splitting whistle, and I'm going to get bear mace if it's legal. Also learning to run faster. I might as well just walk around with a giant can of Raid and a sign saying, "You are a pest and I will control you!"
