This
was Slinky, 1995-2010. She was the worst-behaved dog I ever had the pleasure to
know.
In this photo, she’d been
outside and had gotten her dog bed all wet from the rain. So, ever the problem
solver, she stuffed herself into the cat bed to get that one soggy instead. She
was sneaky, but not especially clever. One time somebody put a Milk Bone on her
head. She just sat there, looking increasingly confused, until it fell off.
Slinky’s eyes looked like she was
wearing smeared makeup reminiscent of Alice
Cooper. Her ears were so long she used to trip over them as a puppy. Her first
owner used to put them up on her head in a scrunchie.
My
dad had explained our pets by saying, “Freckles is a good dog, but Slinky is a
funny dog.” This was accurate. She must have been the inspiration behind the
phrase, “And on that day, not a solitary fuck was given.”
This dog wouldn’t beg for treats or attention. She would demand
it. Whenever somebody new came to visit, she’d “bork” at them incessantly, roll
over, and frantically move her tiny legs in a “pet me” motion. Her immediate
assumption was, “Well, you’re here for ME.”
Slinky didn't fear other animals, but was afraid of balloons
because of the popping sound. She was even wary of bubblegum because of the
balloon resemblance. She used to knock over the trash can and spread it all
over the floor in a greasy, reeking treasure trail that looked like her art
project. My brother once filled the garbage can with balloons to discourage
this (and it worked).
Slinky was never picky about food. If somebody made chicken and
then dumped the grease outside, she’d run out and start licking the grease off
the leaves.
She devoured bags of chocolate and candy, but somehow never got
sick. Our other dog, Freckles, was the tattletale. Freckles woke me up one
morning because she urgently wanted to show me something. She led me up the
stairs, stopping to check if I was following. She brought me to an ajar door
and started scratching. Inside, Slinky was consuming Halloween candy with the
fervor of someone binge-watching a Netflix show.
There are plenty of other “bad Slinky” stories, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. Slinky, you were completely comfortable in the wrinkly Basset Hound skin that made you look like a melted candle. And whenever I hear PTAF’s song “Boss Ass Bitch,” I think of you.
