There are certain ways I interact
with my husband that not everyone understands. For example, I try to ensure
that we both receive a 50/50 ratio of everything. If we're sharing a meal, I
make sure I split it perfectly evenly. Back when we had separate bank accounts,
I would always make an effort to take turns paying for our outings. He'd pay
for one night out and I'd cover the next. He jokingly calls me "the
relationship accountant." Others think this is weird when they hear about
it. Mike says most people assume that this behavior only starts when someone is
planning to leave a relationship or trying to build some kind of case against
their partner, to prove they're being shortchanged. My motivation is the
opposite. I do it to make sure he's not getting any less than I am; that I'm not unfairly
benefitting.
Another factor of my relationship
with Mike which is hard to explain is the way that we're so different in terms
of hobbies and interests and general mannerisms, but we often feel like the
same person. Once in a while we'll react differently to something and he'll
say, "I just had one of those weird moments where I realized we're not the
same person." That never becomes more apparent than when one of us is
trying to eat the other's food. Nothing reminds you that you're separate
entities quite like vying for the same resource--which is another reason why I
try to split everything down the middle.
Outside of my marriage, there is
also a way I interact with men in general that not everyone will understand.
Forming new friendships with men can be tricky because I'm often afraid they'll
think I am interested in them in a non-platonic way. A lot of women have told
me they experience this anxiety, but my reason is different than the one I've
heard from others. Other women have said they're hesitant about this because
the men are usually interested in them,
so they don't want to send out a false signal of reciprocation. For me, I
almost never believe a person is interested in me unless they outright say so.
Maybe this is naive of me, but it's how I operate. So my fear of a hypothetical
man thinking I'm into him or am trying to start some sneaky extramarital affair
is not due to a belief that he'll want to pursue that; it's due to the fear
that he'll get uncomfortable or freaked out by my (falsely) perceived interest.
It's weird. I'm bi, so it would make sense to also worry that female friends
will make this assumption, but I never worry that women will get this
impression from the get-go. Maybe because heterosexuality is usually taken for
granted? I do worry that they'll assume I'm attracted to them once they know
I'm bi. I don't think, "Oh, what if she's bi too, and she likes me, and
thinks my disclosure is an invitation?" Rather, my thought process is,
"What if she wrongly thinks I'm hitting on her and gets uneasy?" It's
the same concern I have with men.
This entry isn't in any way meant
to present me as special and unique or to cast "most women" in the
same light. I'm just talking about certain things I've experienced that I'm not
sure others can relate to. If any of you can identify with this, I'd be curious
to know.
