This is an old essay of mine, but I think
it's still relevant.
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I've been
considering how there are two types of people who often struggle in romantic
relationships. This isn't meant to be a generalization--just about all of us
have struggled in our love lives, and there are far more than two
"types" of people who are plagued with romantic problems. But I'd
like to discuss a phenomenon I've come to recognize. It's a pattern which seems
to effect two specific groups of people. The pattern follows them from one
relationship to another, much like an STD (though luckily, it's not
contagious).
The two kinds of
people I'm describing are as follows: those with weak personalities, and those
with personalities that are very intense and dynamic. When a person with a
bland personality finds a vivacious partner, it's a toxic combination. This is
why.
A dull person has
very few opinions or interests. Every idea they express is borrowed from
someone else. It's an adopted brainchild, rather than a biological one. Some
argue that there's no such thing as a truly original belief, because all of our
views are influenced by others. While this is true to a certain extent, I think
that originality does exist. I've heard plenty of people express unique ideas.
However, I'm talking more about consistent beliefs. When someone has a weak
personality, they have no core beliefs or passions that are central to their
identity. They take on the hobbies, beliefs, and interests of whoever they are
currently dating. They become their significant others' shadow. (When I say
shadow, I don't mean that they follow their partner around. I mean they take on
the basic blurry form of their partner, but are not an exact replica. A shadow
partner can't become an exact replica of you because that would require them to
genuinely believe what you believe and to genuinely care about the things that
are important to you, rather than feigning it. Also, I call this type of person
a shadow because they cannot exist independently of you. They exist
independently, but their personality does not. When the relationship ends, they
shed their identity like yesterday's clothes, and change into a new persona
that will match their next romantic partner's.) This is a parasitic kind of
person. They may not mean to be that way, but they are.
Relationships with
shadow people may seem like a dream come true in the beginning. The first few
months may be filled with moments where you say, "Wow, we must be soul
mates! We both have liberal arts degrees, vintage
cars, and a deeply seated commitment phobia! It's amazing!" A person with
a strong personality can't last for very long with a partner without one,
though. If you have your own hobbies and interests and beliefs, you want to be
with someone who does as well. Any conversation gets boring if it becomes a
one-sided diatribe and the only response you're hearing is, "Me too!"
And bland people can't adapt to meet their partner's needs, because it requires
mental gymnastics and their brains just aren't that flexible.
People with
strong, larger-than-life personalities also tend to struggle in relationships.
This is because it can be hard for others to keep up with them. It's easy to
feel eclipsed by someone who's so passionate and energetic if you're more low-key.
It's an obvious truth that we often forget: We can only be happy when paired
with someone on a similar emotional and intellectual wavelength.
I've also noticed
that about 99 percent of the time, relationships fail if one person is
emotionally unstable while the other is not. It sounds obvious, but many
overlook this when getting to know each other. I've been the more stable person
in a relationship. I've also been the less stable one. It didn't work out
either time because nobody likes to feel wholly responsible for another
person's well-being, unless he or she a control freak who thrives on that sense
of power. The idea of "rescuing" someone may seem appealing to some,
but it rarely works--and the desire to rescue can also be a desire for control,
even if only control of one's own role in the dynamic.
So, anyway, those
are just some thoughts that have been floating through my head. I'd like to
hear your thoughts on this, too.
